I’ve been thinking about getting baptized for a few months now. I finally did it and I’m so excited and glad I did. This was not because I had never been baptized before, however there are so many other reasons why I chose this and the best way to explain those reasons is to tell my story.
I grew up in a Christian home. I went to church every Wednesday and spent many summers at church camp learning about God. I was baptized at a young age and despite having a picture of it (see below), I don’t actually remember much about that day. I DO remember there being a water slide into the lake I was baptized in and impatiently waiting to be free to play. For this reason, I’ve always questioned if my baptism was legitimate since I don’t remember being the one to make the decision.
Despite having the head knowledge about God, there was not a lot that was making it to my heart. I didn’t really understand grace and I was definitely not living as a daughter of the King. I found my identity in many things outside of Christ, and I found my worth in my accomplishments.
One area of my life that my identity was strongly rooted in was soccer. I played soccer from elementary school all the way through my junior year of college. I was proud of my skill, proud of the fact that I often played the entire game, proud of the fact that I was so versatile on the field, and proud of the fact that I had been captain of my club team as well as my high school team senior year and really proud of the fact that I got a scholarship to play collegiately.
In college, everything changed. I went into my collegiate career with a knee injury that kept me from reaching my full potential and, if it got worse, would cause me to not only have to quit soccer but could also cause me to never be able to run again. It was painful, but I kept on playing because of my pride. In my freshman year, I injured my knee in a game and thought it would be the end of my career. In the moments of not knowing what had happened, I started questioning so many things. It was in these moments that God started showing me that my identity was not in soccer. Started being the key word, I still believe in my heart the Truth He was trying to get me to recognize.
I found out my injury was just an MCL tear and I would still be able to play. At this point I felt I should have quit, but didn’t want to make that decision. So instead, I made a deal with God. I told Him if I got injured again I would quit. Early into the season in my sophomore year I got a concussion that put me out for multiple months. God reminded me of my deal and told me it was time to quit. My response was that I meant I would quit if I injured my knee again and this injury was to my head. So I kept on playing. A few months later, I got another concussion while camping with my family. Exactly a year after my first concussion, during my junior year of college, I suffered from my third concussion. At this point I was told that I could not keep playing unless I got cleared by a specialist. I drove an hour to see the doctor and all he did was tell me that I was susceptible to getting another and more severe concussion, but in the long run I would be okay.
I could already tell that the concussions were affecting me in negative ways. My memory was horrible, depression was haunting me, I had headaches almost every day, and I could barely exercise without feeling dizzy and nauseous. I finally decided to quit and in losing that huge piece of my life I was left with a void. I sought Christ more than I had before and started to root my identity in Him, but there were still issues I was struggling with that was keeping me from really believing the truth.
Another area of my life where I found my worth was in my relationships. I looked to boys to find my worth. I knew this wasn’t healthy, and since quitting soccer I was learning to find my worth and identity in Christ, and yet I struggled with being content when I was single. I also didn’t really understand grace and thought that I had to work hard to not stumble. With this combination of lies, I stumbled time and time again. I found myself making bad decisions with the boys I was in relationships with and falling deeper and deeper into shame.
At the same time, I was still seeking Christ, but since I kept falling into the same sin, I assumed that God was getting angry at me and needed time to process the mistakes I made before He could open His arms to me again. The shame I felt would push me to try harder to please God, but I would just fail again and find myself more frustrated. I didn’t tell many people that I was struggling because I had been a christian for so long that I didn’t think it was normal for me to have this issue. I would read scripture such as 1 John 5:18 “We know that anyone born of God does not continue to sin” and convince myself that my relationship with Jesus wasn’t real and I wasn’t actually saved. The Holy Spirit was convicting me to stop walking in that sin, but I couldn’t because I didn’t think I was worthy or good enough.
Fast forward to my first night at training camp when I experienced the Lord in a totally new way. A group of us was at the founders house for a bonfire. Some of the staff came to pray for us and encourage us. One of the men came over to me, hugged me and told me I was pure and beautiful. I knew these weren’t actually his words but the words of The Father being spoken to me through Him. For the first time in my life I believed that was true about me. I finally believed the Truth of the Gospel that Jesus’ death on the cross covers all my sins and that I am made new and righteous through Him.
Later in the week, I talked to my squad mentor, Amy, about some of the things I was learning and the freedom I was experiencing and told her I was interested in getting baptized and wasn’t sure if I should since I technically already had been. She sent me to scripture and told me to ask Holy Spirit about it. I spent some time that next day reading and praying and was led to 1 Peter 3:21, which says “and this water symbolizes baptism that now saves you also – not the removal of dirt from the body but the pledge of a clear conscience toward God. It saves you by the resurrection of Jesus Christ.”
So the reason I made the decision to go through with my baptism is to repent of the sin I was walking in and make a public declaration that I am choosing to believe the Truth of who God says I am and walk in the freedom He has given me through His death on the cross. I am now walking in Truth, grace and mercy and will no longer be trying to work my way into God’s kingdom, but I will fight fleshly desires from the Victory Christ has already won. I will rely on the power of Christ in me and I truly believe that I am a beloved daughter of the King who is pure and beautiful. I am not defined by my mistakes or my successes. I am defined not by who I am, but by WHOSE I am, and this week I got to know my Heavenly Father in new and beautiful ways and I am so thankful that I am His daughter.
I am also excited that I get to go to the nations and share this same freedom with people around the world who may be walking in shame. Romans 9:11 says “anyone who believes in Him will never be put to shame.” I had shame fall off me and I now get the opportunity to share the same message of hope and love around the world. Wow, God is so good and I have so much joy in my heart over what I experienced the past week and what I have to look forward to in my future!
