I’m staring at the steep hill in front of me thinking about how much pain I was in while hiking the less steep hill to get to here. The voices of my teammates are grunting and shouting about how the climb is hard and the bags of sand are heavy. We’ve been asked to help carry sand to a woman’s house that is at the top of the hill. It’s definitely a climb and I want to help, but all I can think about it the pain I felt (and was still feeling) from the morning hike for house visits. I am thinking about how I wasn’t made for life on a mountain like this.
I’m in line waiting for it to me my turn to grab a bag of sand and start the climb up the hill. The closer I get, the more overwhelmed I feel. I get to the front and my friend can see it on my face. She asks “you don’t think you can do it?” and as much as I don’t want to cry, the tears still come. I’m now sitting on the mountain feeling betrayed by my own body, hating the fact that even though I’ve been an athlete almost all my life I can’t complete the task in front of me without some serious pain.
7 years ago, in my senior year of high school, I was diagnosed with chondromalacia. I know, it’s a big word.. basically, all it means is that the cartilage under my patella tendon is torn up. My knee doesn’t glide smoothly and I feel a lot of pain with things like squats, hiking and running. I still remember my doctor telling me that if I was his daughter I wouldn’t be playing soccer in college. Since I was stubborn and didn’t want to quit, he told me to avoid hiking as much as I can and to not do squats.
I’ve known for 7 years that I need surgery to fix my knee, but at first, that meant I would have to be done with soccer. After a series of concussions, I finally quit soccer in my junior year of college, but still didn’t get the surgery. At that point, since I wasn’t super active, I wasn’t really in much pain. One hike every so often didn’t bother it too much. Now, I’m hiking every day and the pain is worse than I’ve ever felt. Up until now, the pain was something I was able to ignore and push through. Now, it has me in tears on this mountain in Honduras.
I’ve asked God to heal me before. I’ve had friends and leaders pray for healing as well. I was never bothered by the fact that God hasn’t healed me since I could push through the pain. Now, the feelings are a bit different. Not only do I feel betrayed by my body, but I feel angry at God for not healing me and then placing me on this mountain to do ministry that I feel physically incapable of. I was processing these feelings one morning as I was worshipping with my squad alongside the Hondurans. We were singing the song “Reckless Love” and one of the lines hit me hard.
“There’s no shadow you won’t light up, mountain you won’t climb up coming after me” -Cory Asbury
God WILL light up the shadows of the lies in my head: I’m not defined by what I can or cannot do. God’s love for me is not defined by whether or not He heals me physically on this side of heaven. After finishing the church service, I went back to my tent to journal some of what the Lord was speaking to me during that song and these are the words that spilled onto the pages of my journal:
“I would climb this mountain for you. Even if I had to endure the pain you feel when you hike. I have endured worse pain for you and I would do it all over again. You CAN handle this pain for a couple months to be an example of my love to these people on this mountain. That doesn’t mean that you should ignore your body when it’s telling you to rest. You don’t have to injure yourself further to do jobs others can do. It does mean that I am your strength and I want you to rely on me. Don’t sit in your tent mourning your injuries and avoiding hard things. Hiking every day may be hard for you, but it’s not impossible because you have me. I am before you, behind you, beside you, all around you and within you. I am with you and I am for you. Don’t get down on yourself when there are things you can’t do. Remember that my power is made perfect in your weakness”
But he said to me, “my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness -2 Corinthians 12:9
I’m still trying to figure out exactly what it means for God’s power to be made in my weakness. However, now when I feel the pain while hiking, I just remind myself that Christ is my strength and I take my mind off of what hurts and fix my eyes on Him who created me. I’m also surrounded by teammates who are constantly reminding me of Truth and I’m so thankful for the sweet girls God placed on my team for the couple months we’ll be living on the mountain.
Blessings,
Kaci
