Time is such a strange concept to me. It never makes sense that a day can go by so slow, but an entire year can fly by.This past year definitely fly by and it blows my mind to think about where I was a year ago and where I am now. A year ago today I was sitting on a plane on my way back to the United States, not even 24 hours after we had found out I would be going home.
I thought I wouldn’t be back in the US for another 6 months and yet, there I was with my squad, all of us shocked at the events of the past 24 hours. Going home hadn’t even been on our radar. It was the most unexpected decision and yet the night before we stayed up late saying goodbye to our hosts, quickly packing our bags and cleaning what was our home.
That day feels like yesterday. It’s hard to believe that it’s actually been a year since my squad, along with many others, got pulled off the field. Yet, when I think about everything I’ve done since that day a year ago, I realize that my year really has been full.
From road tripping by myself across the United States, to daily walks with my cousin in Oregon the month I lived with her. From volunteering with Samaritan’s Purse to my many paddle boarding adventures over the summer. From working at amazon to standing with a good friend as she said “I do.” From a reunion with Z squad to witnessing two of them choose each other for the rest of their lives, it really has been a good year.
Grief is also a strange concept to me. It feels like it should be a one and done thing. It’s not. It’s more like an onion with layers and layers to it. I grieved with my squad when we got the news, I grieved when I got home and reality set it. I grieved at training camp when I was surrounded by a new squad, and now I am grieving again as I realize an entire year has passed since Z squad was my community, my family.
I wish I had something more profound to say about what being pulled off the field taught me, but honestly, I think I’m still trying to process it. I could say that it taught me that God’s plans don’t always match up with mine, or that it only takes one email for your entire life to change and nothing on this side of heaven is guaranteed, but I think I already knew those things.
All I can say is that I miss Z squad. I’m sad that we didn’t get to finish what we started together. But, I’m also thankful. I’m thankful for all the memories I’ve made in the past year. I’m thankful for the bond Z Squad has that grew even stronger after we experienced coming home suddenly together. I’m thankful that God reopened the door for the world race. I’m thankful that God is still in control of all things.
“Now Listen, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.’ Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, ‘If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.’” James 4:13-15
God, thank you for you sovereignty. Even though I’m not always thankful in my heart for the events that happened a year ago, thank you for your patience with me and the constant reminder of the good things that have come from it. Thank you for the brothers and sisters I have from Z squad and the brothers and sisters I have on H squad. Thank you for your plans that are better than mine always. Let your will be done in my life Lord as I move forward with whatever tomorrow and the days following will bring.
Amen.
