From Dark to Light

I’m looking around but I don’t see anything. It’s dark, but I’m not afraid. I’m in my mother’s womb and I know that I’m safe. I think a change is coming, but I don’t know what to expect. I have no idea what’s on the other side and I have no idea what’s waiting for me in the world. 

When the change finally comes, everything is different. It’s no longer dark. In fact, it’s so bright that sometimes I struggle keeping my eyes open. I notice that the world is full of light and noise. It’s a life I would’ve never imagined to be on the outside of the safe, warm womb. 

I’m learning new things every day. Experiencing life to the fullest and loving it. Screams of joy and laughter are the noises that dominate every day and I wonder why I was ever nervous about the change I had to go through to get here. My life is full of love and cuddles. I’m still protected by my mother and now also by my father who I didn’t know before the change. I feel invincible. 

In just a moment, however, everything changes. The brokenness of the world reaches me. Something bad happens that I didn’t expect and I no longer know what to think of the world. I am asked to do something no child should be asked to do. When I speak up about not liking it I am told that doesn’t matter because they like it. 

I no longer feel safe or loved. I feel rejected and unworthy. I suddenly start experiencing the world through this lens of rejection. Sure, there’s still moments of beauty. Moments of joy and laughter. However, there are now many  moments of hurt as well. Moments of tears and sadness.

The world is no longer as bright as I once thought. In fact, it seems darker than it was back in my mothers womb. The darkness is different though. The darkness is not necessarily seen, but felt and experienced. My life has now become a battle with this darkness. 

I’ve taken upon myself the identity of unseen and unheard. I believe that my opinions don’t matter. I’m growing up hearing about God and singing songs about his love for me. However, the enemy is using the abuse to whisper lies to me about God and myself.  These lies are taking such a deep root in my heart that they start to inform many decisions I’m making for my own life.

I feel rejected and am desperate for human acceptance. I want someone to love me, but I also have no idea what love looks like. So, I make choices that hurt my soul even more, I’m walking in sin rather than in faith. I assume “intimate” relationships will fill me despite hearing the warnings from those wiser then I. Those relationships, however, only fill me with more darkness. The enemy is now using these mistakes I’m am making to whisper more lies to me.

Now, along with thinking I’m unseen and unheard, I also think that I’m impure. I definitely know I don’t deserve God’s grace, but I also don’t think I deserve a healthy relationship so I settle for ones that aren’t. Shame comes into my life and grows so strong that I even question my salvation. I want to change, but I keep falling to the same temptations that are plaguing me. This of course only makes the shame worse. 

People who love me are telling me what’s True. They’re telling me that I’m forgiven, that I’m pure and beautiful. It’s only reaching my head though, not my heart. I know God’s word tells me I’m forgiven and saved by the blood of Jesus. I know God says I’m made clean by His words and loved deeply for exactly who He created me to be. Again, this Truth was only in my head and not my heart. 

Until another change comes. Somehow, I find myself in Georgia preparing for this thing called the World Race. I’m at one of the leaders’ houses standing by a fire with a group of girls who came to training camp a day early to participate in a storytelling workshop. The leaders of AIM are going from person to person speaking truth over us all. Girls are crying and honestly I feel a little uncomfortable. 

I’m standing on the edge just observing it all when one of the leaders walks over to me and gives me a hug. While he’s hugging me he tells me “You’re pure and beautiful.” He doesn’t know my name. He doesn’t know my story. Yet he knew exactly what I needed to hear in that moment. He knew the Truth that I’m not believing. I know instantly that it’s not him speaking this to me,  but my heavenly Father. I finally believe it for the first time. 

My life has become a little brighter now. I’m learning how to listen to my Father’s voice. I’m learning to see myself through His eyes and not through the eyes of the world or of shame. I’m on the race in a community of people who are constantly seeking Jesus and encouraging the people around them. I still struggle with the lies sometimes, but I definitely notice a difference in myself and my relationship with Jesus. 

My squad leaders suggest this thing called inner healing. She suggests it so I can receive healing from the original hurt that caused me to believe lies in the first place. She sits down with me and leads me into imagining a place where it’s just me and Jesus. In my minds eye, I find myself on a beach in Oregon. It’s overcast but I’m really not bothered by it. 

Jesus is there with me and we’re having a conversation. He reminds me that he is making me new every morning. Cleaning up my soul bit my bit and making me like Him. He tells me He’s been with me my whole life in every situation. His heart was breaking when I was a child and another one of His children used their free will to hurt me. He tells me that the rejection I received came from rejection the other person once received. 

He leads me to forgive the person who hurt me. I leave behind all the hurt and lies and instead decide to declare truth over myself. Out loud and in my minds eye with Jesus I begin to speak: 

I’m not Kaci who was “abused.” I’m not Kaci who is unseen and unheard. I’m not Kaci who is impure. I’m Kaci, pure and beautiful. I’m Kaci, daughter of the King. I’m Kaci, fully known and deeply loved by God. 

As I’m declaring these Truths over myself the clouds part and the sun begins to shine. I now realize the overcast was a picture of my life. I wasn’t completely in darkness, but I wasn’t completely in the light either. Now, as I declare Truth, I’m stepping fully into the light. Jesus and I stand up off the log we had been sitting on and we run into the waves and start dancing, overwhelmed by joy from the Truth that is now entering my heart. I have stepped out of the darkness and into the light. 

Blessings,

Kaci

“Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12